And I thought I loved you then......

For my 1st Baby:

sidenote: Trey, you may not care enough to read this until your old, like 40 something or maybe you'll read it once I'm old and moving on from this world. but i'm writing it because i know one day you'll read it.

as i'm getting ready to meet our new baby, i have been reflecting alot about my 1st baby.

for fleeting seconds there are times i feel guilty that my 1st baby won't be "the" baby any longer.

for fleeting seconds i get teary eyed that my 1st baby will feel as though i have abandoned him, or that he has been pushed aside.

And then i realized, he may no longer be "the" baby in our family but Trey will always and forever be my 1st Baby. My 1st Baby who so much changed my life for the better. Certainly not without alot of tears and hard work :) My 1st Baby brought me to this place called "Mommy" and for me, my transition, into Motherhood was def. like a "Mommy Bootcamp".
Maybe i wasn't as prepared for what life would be like with a baby. Maybe I was a really selfish person and just never knew it, until my 1st baby told me :) Whatever it was, my 1st Baby taught me the ropes of motherhood and for that i will be forever grateful.

Growing up my sister and i, who are best friends now, were very demanding for my Mother's attention and i remember we were always testing, questioning her on "Who do you love more"? Almost always hoping she would just come out and say it, "yes, i love one of you more than the other"....but of course she never did. A few years back, i found an article from the newspaper in the "advice" section and the quote has stuck with me all these years. It was referring to the question of "Do parents love one child more than another"? One mother responded with this:

"Well, yes. I told all 5 of my children that yes, on any given day, I usually like one of you more than the others, however i have always loved you all equally".

I liked this. It was honest. Some days one child is certainly more likable than another and vice versa, but the love is always the same.
I hope Trey gets that. I hope he sees that this new baby isn't taking any of my love away.

Some lyrics from a Brad Paisley song to my 1st Baby.

"I remember, trying not to stare the night that i first met you
You had me mezmorized
I hadn't told you yet
but i thought i loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you
I"ll look back someday
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then"

sappy yes, but oh so true.

I thought I loved trey the first night i held him, but as the 2 years have gone by my love for him has deepened into so much more than the first night he was born. Loving your child is like a balloon, it just keeps getting bigger as the years go by...When he's off in the world and no longer mine to raise, and i hope, living the life that he wants for himself,whatever that may be, its true, I'll look back on our time and think, "and i thought i loved you then"......